A Haven of Fanfiction Cliches
by geminiginny
Summary: A dialogue based story written by my friend and I in class. I think that it is a fun read and that you will recognise elements of often used fanfiction plot points... or just find it mildly amusing, either way. Rated for language and sexual references.
1. Chapter 1

PART ONE

Harry: How unlucky I am! I should prefer to be in Azkaban than in this bloody cupboard under the stairs! Oh no! I see spiders everywhere, but I can't eat them! I HATE my life, and I'll never see my parents again, and I have dreams of Dobby eating my face off every night. I can't take it any more! I QUIT MAGIC.

Peter: I want cheese.

Harry: Shut up Peter. You're ruining my angst session.

Sirius: Siriusly. Hehe.

Harry: SHUTTUP.

Hermione: Harry, you do realise that we're at the Burrow, not a cupboard under the stairs…right?

Ron: Yeah Harry. You're scaring me, taking about spiders like that…

Hermione: Oh, get a grip Ronald.

Fangirl: OBAMA WON!

Harry: Who the hell are you? Why are people interrupting my angst session?

Hermione: We're HERE for you harry. Well, I am, as soon as Ron stops chasing me.

Ginny: I love Draco Malfoy!

Harry: WHAT?

Ron: WHAT!

Hermione: WHAT?!

Harry: How very DARE you? Draco is MY BOYFRIEND.

Everyone: WHAT?!

James (junior): WHAT? I'm dating Scorpius!

Ron: Who names their kid Scorpius?

James: I love the name Scorpius. It's SEXY.

Everyone: * shivers *

Scorpius: I am here, you know.

Everyone: * shivers *

Harry: I can't believe that my son is dating my lovers son.

Scorpius+ James (junior): EWWWWWW.

Malfoy: Wait, WHAT? We're lovers? Since when?

Harry: Since second year.

Malfoy: And you didn't TELL me?

S+J (junior): YAY * kiss *

Everyone: Awww.

Ron: Ewww.

Albus Severus: WHY?! I WAS IN LOVE WITH SCORPIUS!

Scorpius: WHAT? Hey, that's kinda cool. Maybe we could have a thr-

James: NO.

Fangirl: OBAMA WON!

END PART ONE.

**A/N: This story is not so much a story as something that passed the time quickly in Latin and Chemistry. Doing a particularly boring translation in our first lesson, my friend and I realised that the main character had a whiny dialogue akin to ANGSTY fanfiction Harry. My friend – let's call her Wilvercan Triplet for now to keep identities safe – came up with this first part. The second part was written by me in Chemistry, and is in, yes, you guessed it, the second chapter. We read them to the rest of our friends at lunch, and hilarity ensued. **

**N.B. – The 'fangirl' character is based on another of our friends. She is perma-happy, more so after OBAMA's AWESOME VICTORY. Inside joke, so sorry if you don't find it funny!**


	2. Chapter 2

PART TWO

Lupin: Where did everyone go?

Tonks: Um, away. Look! My hair is pink!

Lupin: Huh?

Tonks: I LOVE YOU! I mean, pass me that pumpkin pasty.

Lupin: I can't be with you, Nymphadora! I'm too dangerous! I don't love you! I'm GAY!

Tonks: * faints *

Everyone: WOAH.

Lupin: Where the hell did you come from?

Everyone: We were helping Harry with his angst.

Sirius: That kid has problems. My godson sucks. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!

Snape: Indeed.

Everyone: Snape? EWW.

Ron: You're dead.

Snape: Didn't you ever listen in potions, Mr Wesley? I CAN PUT A STOPPER IN DEATH.

Hermione: Why are you here?

Snape: For YOU, Miss Granger.

Hermione: Me?! EWW. That's disgusting, Professor!

Snape: You know you want me really.

Hermione: Okay.

Everyone: TRIPLE EWW!

Ron: Get your hands off my girl!

Snape: Shut your mouth, Weasley. You know that you really love Luna Lovegood.

Ron: Okay.

INTERLUDE

Sarah Palin: All this free love is disgusting. It's practically SATANISTIC!

Laura Mallory: FINALLY. Someone agrees with me.

Sarah Palin: Let's go and ban the Harry Potter books! I mean, as the governor of Alaska, I'm practically the ruler of a continent, so…

Laura Mallory: YEAH. Praise the Lord!

END INTERLUDE

Sirius: Where are Draco and Harry now?

Lupin: They're probably fucking each other in the back garden.

MEANWHILE

Garden Gnome 1: WOAH.

Garden Gnome 2: I didn't even realise that position was POSSIBLE.

Crookshanks: EWW.

END OF PART TWO

**A/N: Any political or sexual comments in this chapter are JOKES, okay? I don't want any reviews saying stuff like 'Sarah Palin is trying to save our children from hellfire and gay sex is – well – GAY!!!' because I'm not interested. Relax. Just trying to avoid unpleasantness. I'm sure none of my readers would do that anyway, but I can't deal right now, okay?! **


End file.
